I have baby fever. I've had it since Harper was about five months old. And when you have baby fever it seems like EVERYONE is getting pregnant or has a baby. Literally everyone. And all those other people who don't have babies? Well, they aren't as present on your radar. Why our bodies and minds do this to us is beyond me. It's frustrating and ridiculous and makes me spend endless hours looking at baby blogs and web sites. Torture.
One of the moms in Harper's music class found out she was having a baby girl about two weeks ago. This was great news to her because they have three boys. Watching her pregnancy become more pronounced week after week hurt. It's a ridiculously selfish thing, but I would be lying if I didn't admit it. But she already has three kids! I've only got one! Isn't it my turn? Silly, pathetic, and utterly unappreciative for what I have.
At her ultrasound they found out not only that they were having a girl, but also that her placenta wasn't growing with the baby. Three days later she gave birth to a stillborn daughter.
I felt like a complete and total ass. How could I not just be happy and content with what I have? Why be jealous of what someone else has? Everyone has their own struggles, their own challenges to face. I have a beautiful, happy, healthy, lovable little girl. When/if we have another baby isn't something I can make happen when I want. It's a difficult reality to face, but there's no way around it. It's not going to make seeing pregnant women or newborns any easier, but I have to move past this jealousy. I wouldn't trade my life or my family for anything. My heart goes out to all who have loved and lost the way this family has. There's nothing like having the greatest joy and the greatest sorrow happen to you in one fell swoop. I just have to remember to take it one day at a time and be grateful for what's right in front of me. You just never know what trials other people are going through and being jealous does no good.
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