I think daily of the posts I want to publish in this little blog. I can usually get them started in my head, but when I sit down at my laptop to type out my thoughts, they're gone. Usually they're ramblings anyway, but I suppose that doesn't matter. So tonight, I have forced myself to sit down and type out what comes to mind.
I was truly inspired tonight by the most recent post by Sarah (I am inspired by her quite often). The timing of her post was impeccable. I recurrently have the same thoughts and feelings and Harper hasn't been born yet. It is difficult to think of my tiny baby all grown up; mainly because I don't know what she looks like yet. Mostly I wonder how I will feel. I focus on the good and the bad. I wonder not only how my heart will feel when she calls me Mommy for the first time, but also what if she tells me she hates me? How will I handle her going to school (if I'm not able to homeschool her)? Will her looks, tastes, and personality be more like mine or her daddy's? How will I feel when she no longer wants me to hold her? I even worry about how she would do in middle school and high school (which is when I REALLY wonder if she'll take after me, who didn't do anything bad in high school, or her father, who did the complete opposite). I know I shouldn't think about these things because they're far in the future and I can't do anything about them until they happen. Yet my mind wanders there frequently. I also wonder if I'll be a good mom. I've always wanted to be one and until now I've never questioned whether or not I'd be any good. Will I discipline her the right way? Will I set a good example? Will I be able to pass on what knowledge I have when the time calls for it? Will she want come to me for help and advice? Will she look up to me? Will we be friends like my mother and me are? I am scared that we may not have such a good relationship; that she will only think of me as her "mother" and nothing more. I'm not saying I have to be her best friend, but I want to be mommy and her confidante. I want her to be able to come to me about anything and everything without embarrassment, knowing that I will withhold judgment. I hope for so many things for her. I see so many things that are wrong with this world. I am worried about the influences that she will come up against. If things are this bad now (compared to when I was younger), what will they be like in 12, 14, or even 18 years from now? Will I be a good enough parent to inform her of the dangers that loom without scaring her or giving her too much information? I know she must experience life for herself, but there are many things I wish I could shield her from. Will we be able to instill a good set of morals and beliefs in our children to help them become good, helpful, kind, loving, productive people? I try not to worry too much, but do you see where my mind goes?
So now I'm just waiting on her to decide when she wants to officially join this family. We are at 35 weeks today, much longer than we all expected. I have a good feeling about the 16th of this month, but since it seems like Harper already has a mind of her own, she may make me go to 41 or 42 weeks (help me!). I love love love this baby girl so much. I hope she will forever know that!