A lot of this pregnancy has been plagued with worry, doubt, and frustration. For the past two months, each day has me thankful that she's still inside, yet fearful of each passing hour.minute.second. Could this trip to the bathroom/fifteen minute shower/walk down the stairs/etc. cause me to go into labor? Will I be one of those women who doesn't know she's in labor? Does that leaking mean my water broke? Every Wednesday marks a new week for Harper and I. And every Wednesday I look online at several different web sites to see what kind of development is taking place. I look up that week's premies. Information overload? Some days, yes. A little over the top? Perhaps. But I suppose that's just how I am. I like to be as informed as possible. I like to be prepared. I do understand that we will never be fully prepared because there's no way to know what would happen were she to come out. I just like to know what others have gone through and what possibly stage of development she might be in. TMI or not.
I've tried to remain as positive as I possibly can. While this isn't always easy and has, on more than one occasion, led to an emotional breakdown by one or both of us, there are some things about this pregnancy that I love and that keep me hopeful. Like seeing her move across my belly (like right now). Even though my ribs feel black and blue, my bladder feels like she's trying to push it out of me, and it doesn't matter how hard I try I will never be comfortable...then BUMP! there's (what I assume to be) a foot! an elbow! her whole backside! Some days it feels and looks like she's completely spread out. I LOVE when there's a little foot pushed up against me and I can rub it until she moves away. It's unbelievable to think that just a few inches separate my hand from her. And then I feel all emotional cause so very very soon I will get to nibble on those little pokey feet.
There's also her hiccups. Little tiny bubbles that POP POP POP for a few minutes at a time. And then Harper gets angry and squirms around cause she really doesn't like hiccuping. But I LOVE them. I know that she's practicing swallowing (YAY!) and it just pushes into my brain just how ridiculously real this all is. My little tiny baby gets hiccups just like other babies on the outside! Crazy I know. How could this not be real, right? Until I hold her for the first time, this all feels quite surreal.
Despite the fears, there is so much to look forward to and many positives to focus on.