Sleep These Days

She's no longer night weaned.  In fact, her nursing at night has increased dramatically.  She's been teething and on the verge of walking.  She's saying all kinds of words and understanding things we didn't know a one year-old could.  Perhaps it's these things that keep her up at night.  I know when my mind is full of things it's difficult for me to sleep.  Thankfully, I don't need a boob every hour to help me go back to sleep.
For almost the past three weeks it's been not-so-good.  She's eating like a newborn again.  And some days it's round the clock.  Honestly, there were some days where I dreaded hearing her ask for milk.  "Tisk, tisk" is what she says and I could feel my boobs wince in pain.  Yes, I am being serious.  They hurt so very, very much.  But there was no way of consoling her at night other than nursing.
Let me tell you, it's affected our sleeping tremendously.  I don't think either of us has had any deep sleep for a long time.  Our nights have been something like: sleep for an hour, wake up crying/wake up to her crying, find binkie/refuse binkie, "tisk, tisk, tisk!", nurse, repeat cycle.  And Harper has been going to bed between 9 and 10, some nights as early as 830.  I've been placing her in her room in her crib so that most of the noise of the house is blocked.  One night she slept for 5 straight hours in there.
That was a fluke.
She averages 30 minutes to 2 hours in there.  Enough time for me to relax, or clean up something, do some laundry, talk to Wade, and get ready for bed.  If she wakes, I try not to nurse her unless she's upset and won't resume sleeping any other way.
After about a week of her constant night waking/night nursing I was (I hate to admit it!) ready for her to be weaned.  We are opposed to her crying-it-out so that was never an option.  I was just done.  On top of being exhausted, having sore/swollen/ridiculously tender breasts, I have been feeling just a wee bit guilty.  I have felt guilt for thinking nursing is a chore.  For dreading our nursing sessions.  For trying to distract her for just five minutes more so she will stop asking for milk.  For selfishly wanting her to wean so we could sleep for maybe a few straight hours.  For losing my patience with her more than once.  I have felt like a terrible Momma daily.
I know this won't last forever.  I know there are phases and cycles she must go through and that I must endure.  I know I am hard on myself for everything everyday and that I must try to be nicer to myself.  Afterall, I am only human, right?  And while having her latch on or having a let down is super painful right now and I don't look down at her and relish the moment, I have so very many other moments throughout the day to look at her, to kiss her, to hold her, to play with her, to tell her just how much I love her.  And if that's all I can do on just a few hours sleep, well then, I think I'm doing pretty darn well.

Night Weaning

As some of you may know, we have a family bed, which means Harper sleeps somewhere nestled up against Momma or Daddy in our bed.  We've been doing this since she was just a couple of weeks old after screaming from colic for hours and hours would only sleep laying on me.

I have been breastfeeding Harper for over a year now (minus those times when she was in the NICU and I wasn't there, ergo formula supplement).  I have always nursed on demand, for comfort, for sleeping, for whatever reason that she needed milk.  I am all for baby-led weaning.  Or at least I am for the day time.

This whole nursing-at-night-sleeping-with-us has been more of the nursing and less of the sleeping as of late.  Harper does use a pacifier (which we call a binkie) and if she loses it in the middle of the night she tends to wake up searching.  And searching and searching.  Until she wakes herself up and me (possibly even Daddy) and wants to be nursed back to sleep.  My boobs have been so sore for the past couple of weeks it's ridiculous.  I thought maybe she was teething or sick or was missing out on cuddle-time during the day.  I thought perhaps she was on the verge of a major milestone, like walking, and that was keeping her up.  After a few weeks (months?) of this I decided to look up night weaning.

Let me just say that the results, so far, have been fabulous.  

Since starting this night weaning during the past week, Harper has gone from waking at least 4 times a night wanting to nurse, to once a night (I did not nurse her when she woke, just soothed her and give her her binkie, even held her and sang until she fell asleep), to sleeping for 7 hours straight.  Granted, she woke up once during that 7 hour period looking for her binkie, but I quickly gave it back to her and she went back to sleep for another 2 hours.  I could not tell you the last time I got to sleep for more than 3 consecutive hours.  Rejuvenating, I tell you!

Basically, we have a set bed time routine: bath time (which includes warm water and lots of splashing), getting a new diaper and jammies on, reading a book (so far I've read the same one every night - Rainbow Fish - and I literally know it by heart, word for word), snuggling up on me, wrapped in a blankie, while I rock and sing her to sleep.  I then lay her down in her crib so I can get myself ready for bed and do any extra things around the house before she "wakes up" and I bring her to bed with us.  May not be the ideal situation, but it has worked wonders for us.  Did I just jinx myself???  Even if she were to get 5-6 hours straight of sleep a few nights a week I think I would see an improvement in myself.  Oh, and that's another thing!  Harper has been less whiney, less tempermental since starting this.  Fluke?  Possibly.  But I'm sticking with it!

I still fully intend on nursing her during the day until she's done.  Gradually she's eating more and more solid foods and drinking from a regular cup.  I still enjoy our nursing sessions, though they are now reserved for the living room.  I don't nurse her while I rock her or right before her nap.  I read that the last thing they remember before falling asleep shouldn't be the breast (or bottle).

So, for any Momma's out there struggling like I was, here's to you!  It will take time and it's not always easy, but what about parenting is?  I just remember that this time is fleeting and we have to make the most of it.  If night weaning will help you enjoy the time you have with your little one even more, go for it!  I hope this might help someone else.  If anyone has any questions, let me know, or if you have any suggestions or stories of your own, share them in the comments!  I'd love to know if this worked and how it worked for other Mommas out there!

Decoding Harper Speak

(I wanted to thank everyone who has recently talked to me or messaged me to let me know they read this little blog and that they like it!  I really appreciate feedback like that.  I honestly believed that no one, save for a few family members, read it, but I guess that's not the case at all!  It's comments like those that keep me going so THANK YOU ALL!)

 

My mom and I were having a conversation this morning that went something like this:

Me: "So I read somewhere that if your older baby wants to nurse ALL.THE.TIME. especially at night, they might just be thirsty.  Do you think this would work for Harper?"

Mom: "I think she is thirsty because she tells me when she sees a drink and then she drinks a ton so guess have a sippy ready for her at all times."

Me: Well, I guess she has been telling us when she wants a drink.  She just came up to me and said "duh duh" and I gave her water and that's what she wanted!  I think when she wants milk she says "kuh kuh."

Mom: "Yep. I think she's been telling us but we didn't know what she wanted."

So all of this time that she's been saying she wants a drink, I just force her to drink milk.  (Well, I say force but she rarely refuses to nurse).   Even in an earlier post I thought "tuh" meant milk.  I was wrong :0(  She has been saying more and more "words" lately, which I also mentioned in that post.  I honestly didn't know that babies starting talking this soon so I'm amazed (and no I don't think she's a genius child or anything.  Just brilliant!  HA!)  I guess the moral of this story is I need to brush up on my baby-word-decoding skills so I'm not neglecting my child's needs! :0)

Am I the only momma out there that has had this happen to them?  Please tell me I'm not alone!

P.S. For anyone wondering, I'm not trying to wean Harper, but she nurses constantly.  She does probably every 2-4 hours during the day.  At night it varies, but lately it's been every 1-3 hours.  I would like it if maybe I could have a little more sleep some nights! (That's not selfish right?!)

Breastfeeding

::Then

::Now

I've been nursing Harper now for almost 10 months.  It's been more than I ever thought it would or could be.  It's wonderful to look back on her just a few short months ago and remember.  (And yes, looking back at my 2 month-old baby brought tears to my eyes.  SO TINY).  I remember the "shark attacks" as I called them when she'd lunge at my breast or helping her to latch on over and over again.  I worried then about smothering her during feeding because her nose was always pressed RIGHTUP against me (see above picture for proof).  She was so little that I only needed one arm to hold her while nursing.  Now Harper's all about finding different positions to nurse in (upside down, standing or sitting).  Sometimes I have to offer up the milk because she's too busy playing to remember to eat.  It's sad to think that these nursing days will eventually end, though at times I selfishly wish it was over some days so I could get more than a couple of hours sleep at night.  But this time is fleeting and I have to remind myself of this often.  She won't always nurse, she won't always sleep nestled up next to me in bed, rooting for milk.  She won't need me in this way for comfort.  Eventually she'll only need a hug or a kiss or words to comfort her.  Frequently I remind myself how precious this time is; how special it all is.  I cherish these nursing moments so much.  They're special moments between just the two of us.  And as she grows I hope we continue to carry on moments like these and forever and always have some kind of a special bond like we have now. 

8 Months

Sweet Baby Harper,
    This past month has been a flurry of activity.  Here's just some of what has happened:
*You started crawling and I don't think you have stopped since.
*Your first Halloween.
*Your first Thanksgiving.
*As of three days ago you started waving hello/goodbye.  Or signing for milk.  Or motioning at things you want/like.  Either way, it's RIDICULOUSLY adorable. 
*You have started pulling yourself up on things and walking around furniture/people.
*You're getting your top four teeth, though only one has managed to push through the gum.  Poor thing.
*We picked out your first Christmas tree (and our first live tree as a family, too).
*You discovered tantrums.  Not cool.  But we're handling it as calmly as we can.

Big cheeser.  Waiting for her Thanksgiving food.

This is an incredibly fun age, let me tell you.  You smile almost constantly.  You're always giggling or "talking" no matter what you're doing.  You've started clapping your hands, but only when you get really excited.  You play now, which is so sweet.  You hold books and "read."  You play with baby dolls or blocks or house decorations, crinkle up your nose, and talk a string of vowels.  So.  CUTE.
You've also started trying to put on things.  Shirts.  Pants.  Blankets.  Daddy's (clean) boxers.  You pull these items up to your head and try with all your might to get them to go on.  I'm impressed.
This is the first month that you've paid attention to anything on the television.  Granted, that's mostly because I don't watch television during the day.  Mostly we listen to music.  But I got this Baby Einstein VHS at the library booksale for $1 and thought what the heck?  I don't think these type of movies will make you a genius.  They do, however, grab your attention for at least a minute at a time, long enough for me to use the bathroom or start a chore or do something before you see that I'm not near you.
Oh, and about separation.  You're okay if there's someone else in the room, but if it's just you and me, well, you have to be RIGHT. THERE. with me.  Which is fine.  I love that you want me all the time.  Unless I happen to break a glass and it shatters all over the kitchen floor (this morning) and I need you to play elsewhere.  Or if I need to shower (you do not like showers, by the way.  Tried that a couple of weeks ago).  You do not like the Pack 'N Play or vibrating seat or bouncy seat or jumparoo or walker.  Really anything that confines you is out of the question.  You're still okay with the wrap so I use that, but I don't like to use it often since you're so mobile now.
You're still nursing about the same amount of times, though you must be a champ because it doesn't take  you very long to gulp down several ounces.  Some nights you never wake up to eat and other nights it's every 2-3 hours.  Which means you're still sleeping right next to me.  I'm thinking of side car-ing your crib to our bed because you're a bit of a bed hog.  Oh, and you crawled right out of bed the other day.  I cried harder than you did.  You were just fine.  More scared than anything.  But I don't want that to happen ever again.  So we have to do something.
Harper, my love, you are the greatest thing to have ever happen to us.  You really complete our life and bring us more happiness and love than we ever thought possible.  There are so many moments where we just look at you and wonder what we did before you.  I know I've never loved so much before.  I've never smiled so much before.  And I know I've never kissed someone as much as I have you!  I can't wait to see what the next month brings for you!

We love you always and forever, with all of our hearts,
Momma and Daddy

Daddy,  Momma, and Harper on Thanksgiving Day at Grammie and Grampie's.

Things I Wish I'd Been Told...

about breastfeeding a six-month-old.

1. She will try to twist your boob back and forth, as if it were a bottle, while nursing.

2. She will want to inspect your nipple after feeding.

3. She will want to talk/sing/coo at your boob after feeding.  Her way of thanking it for her nourishment, I suppose.

4. She will come to think that everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, is a boob or nipple.  Freckles. Elbows. Pumpkin stems. Tops of cookie jars. Dog noses.

5. She will try to nurse off of anyone, especially her shirtless father.  (You say ouch; I say, oh well cause he didn't learn his lesson the first dozen times it happened.)

6. No matter what anyone tells you, she will try to nip/bite you more than once, despite having tried all the "tricks" to get her to stop.  If her gums hurt from teething, you're gonna know about it!

7. If you get out of the shower and, heaven forbid don't put a towel or rub around yourself, she will gawk at your breasts like a 13 year-old boy who's never seen boobies before.

8. If she does see you shirtless and braless, she will stare at them with the widest eyes that seem to say, "Wait!  There are TWO of those?!"

9. You will experience engorgement every couple of months when she goes through a growth spurt and her appetite changes and then slows down after the growth spurt.  This is a good time to stock up on milk!

10. You will have made one of THE. BEST. decisions as a mother for your daughter (and yourself, honestly!).  And, hey, it's okay to pat yourself on the back for making it to your first breastfeeding goal of six months (and counting)!

A Song For Harper

I'm a little baby
Short and stout
Here is my tummy
And here is my mouth
When I get all fussy
Here me shout:
"Put a boob right in my mouth!"

Outings

Harper is not a very big fan of her carseat. Sometimes she's fine in it for, oh, three minutes. Tops. But mostly she acts like it's some sort of torture device (and really, it kind of seems that way when I'm putting her in there. Poor little arms!) However, there are appointments to keep, farmer's market's to visit, and parks to explore. Therefore every few days we venture out of the house. She's got to get used to this thing eventually, right?

Today was a slightly spur-of-the-moment, slightly planned outing. I had a video that needed returned and a few groceries that need to be bought. We ended up meeting my mom for lunch at a local pizza place (oh, Wise Pies how I love thee!). This particular establishment is located in a fairly busy part of downtown. We sat outside at one of their tables waiting for mom to arrive. Harper was happily (!) playing with me in her carseat. For two seconds. And then she turned into Hungry Monster. FEED ME NOW! Thankfully I had decided NOT to wear the really cute striped dress I got for a steal at Goodwill over the weekend ($2.99!) and opted instead for shorts, nursing tank, and shirt. Now, I have nursed in public before, but usually it's more discreet. And since Harper is getting a wee bit older every day (ack!) she is constantly looking around. Needless to say, I was a little nervous about popping my boob out on this busy street (especially since not 10 feet away was some guy smoking a cig on his cell phone and I was paranoid my boob was showing and he was taking pictures. HELLO FACEBOOK.) Harper latched on like she hadn't eaten for days (shark mouth I call it), but kept choking and pulling off. It was hot, she was sweaty, and the metal chair was hurting my delicate behind. Somehow I managed to pull it off, though. Score one for me! Eventually we'll get better at the nursing in public. That will make our outings a little more tolerable.
And because she was such a good girl, we walked around Basesler's and I was able to do a little bit of grocery shopping. When we got home (after a lovely nursing session where Harper wanted to talk and talk and talk to me! Oh, and eat my face. "No, honey, my nose is not a boob!) I was able to make rhubarb pudding and two loaves of bread today (not to mention clean the kitchen and do laundry) while Harper slept in her swing. I don't know if she's teething or having a growth spurt, but myohmy this child can sure sleep a LONG time when she wants to! Maybe this is a sign that her "colic" stage is ending. One can only hope. Until then: more gratuitous baby spam for your viewing pleasure:

For the Parents: Just A Reminder...

Wade works quite a few nights. I try to be awake when he gets home so we can spend quality time as a family. This gives him time to unwind, relax, and sometimes unload. Last night the three of us spent the night like we normally do: me holding Harper while he fixes something to eat, him playing with her while I get things ready for bed. Well, last night, she was getting a wee bit fussy so I tried nursing her. She acted disinterested so I told Wade she needed her diaper changed, handed her off to him, and he went upstairs. I started to upload some pictures from my camera when I heard her SCREAMING. It seriously sounded like someone was hurting her. I gave him a few minutes (seconds?) before I went up to see what was wrong. He was calmer than I thought he'd be, but she was just laying there crying and crying and crying. All the while I'm resisting the temptation to just PICK MY BABY UP cause he's the dad, you know. But finally he finishes with her, I take her back downstairs and try nursing her again. And guess what? That's all she wanted. The moral of this story: DON'T TAKE THE BOOB AWAY.

::You'd never know it to look at her, but this sweet little girl has got some LUNGS::

Catching Up

Six weeks have passed since I gave birth to Harper. These have been THE.BEST. weeks of my life. This whole mommy thing? Yea, I was meant to do this! This is the greatest and most rewarding job I could ever hope to have. This is little baby girl has changed me and my life in so many wonderful and interesting ways. My heart has grown tremendously. It's so true that you never knew you could love someone so much. I thought that I could never love someone as much as I love Wade and I still love him an awful lot, but this is completely different and all-encompassing. I could sit holding and staring at her all day and NEVER get bored. The hours fly by now as it is.
Granted, these past weeks haven't been all butterflies and unicorns. There has been a whole lot of adjustment. She's been having colic episodes at night - usually between 8 and 11 pm. There's not much else to console her besides swaddling, rocking, bouncing, and occasionally her pacifier. She gets frequent belly aches so there are the random crying fits during the day, but those don't last as long. Other than that, she's a very happy baby. She's starting to smile and coo which just completely melts my heart.
Breastfeeding has gone wonderfully. The only problems I've encountered are occasional engorgement and twice she has completely drained me (and was still hungry!) Harper is a complete natural when it comes to latching on. She has been since Day 1, which I am grateful for. I had heard and read so many horror stories when I was pregnant that I was pretty scared out of my mind. But we're still going strong (and exclusively!) after 6 weeks. My goal is six months, but my dream is to make it to a year. Nursing times are some of my favorite times.
Harper did have to spend a week in the NICU after she was born. I delievered her so quickly (about a half hour of pushing - I was in labor in the hospital for 5 hours) that she took a big gulp on the way out and developed pneumonia. The second and third pictures are of her while she was in there.