A Little Self-Help

My husband was the first man to make me feel beautiful.  Make-up or not, dresses or sweat pants, he loved me for me.  As cliche as it might be, it's true.  There are many of us who have gone through many horrible, terrible, no-good, very bad boyfriends before "the one."  And that's how it happens.  But to me, Wade was exceptionally special.  He not only made me feel good about myself in a way I had never before allowed myself to feel, but he made me laugh, he challenged me (in sooo many ways, more good than bad), he didn't put up with crap, and he was always 100% himself which made me do the same.  That's why I knew from very early on that he was the man for me forever and always.  And I also knew that I wanted to have 10,000 of his babies.

It was during my pregnancy that I began to feel myself change,  both literally and figuratively.  Being on bedrest obviously doesn't leave much time for exercise so my body was, and is, less than perfect.  Let me pause to say that I'm was a perfectionist.  I've never had good self-esteem and have always been extraordinarily hard on myself.  That includes my appearance.  Pregnancy offered a new challenge to my self image.  I'm not so vain that I would jeopardize my child's life in order to save myself from some jiggly thighs.  So, I had to let it all go.  And go it went!  And you know what?  I was completely and utterly okay with it.  Before she was born, my baby girl started to change me.  For the better, I might add.  (And that's just one way pregnancy changed me.  Of course the thought of a little, teeny person growing inside of me pushed me to new heights, but you knew that already I'm sure).

Now that she's been a part of my life for nearly a year, I can look back and see just how much I have evolved as a woman.  I feel stronger, more secure, more open and honest, more at ease with myself.  In the first few months of her life I had so many women tell me, "You're such a relaxed mom.  I don't know how you do it!"  The truth is, well, I had to be.  I had a child who screamed for hours on end, for days, until I was a blubbering heap on the floor.  But just looking at her, even screaming or crying or pitching a huge fit, can bring me back to reality.  It's not about me.  It's about her and "listening" to her tell me what she needs.  I've found it's easy to put her before me in everything, but in doing so I've found a side of me that has brought me a sense of peace.  I absolutely love being a momma.  There is nothing in the world that I would give it up for.
So, Harper, my love, thank you for changing me in ways I never thought possible and giving me the greatest role I could have ever hoped for!

So I'm Incompetent...well, at least my cervix is...

The past two months have been tumultuous to say the least. My last post was pretty much my last day at work. Since then I've been on bed rest. Lovely, mind numbing bed rest. While I love thinking about Harper all day long, it's the worrying that gets me. We found out back in December that my cervix was shortening and for no apparent reason. Usually this happens to a woman if she's had any kind of procedures done to her cervix. I have not. So, for a couple of weeks I was monitored, usually in Labor and Delivery. After my second trip there they decided it was best that I go on bed rest to keep as much pressure off my cervix as possible; especially since Harper was so low. For about a month I was going in every week to have my cervix measured and each week it got a little smaller. I also began funneling, which is when your cervix starts to open up. Not a good thing when your baby's lungs aren't fully developed (among other frightening things!) I was given steroid shots to help mature her lungs in case she decided to make her appearance into this world. My doctor stopped measure my cervix a couple of weeks ago. Now I'm effacing (meaning my cervix is thinning out in preparation for labor) (I'm about 80% effaced) and I'm dilated about 2 cm. I haven't been having real contractions, just the Braxton Hicks ones. I get a lot of tightening and pressure, along with menstrual like cramps (eek!) pretty much EVERY. DAY. It's just something I have to live with until I deliver. Our goal since we found out my cervix was shortening was to make it to 32 weeks. Thankfully we've made it to that goal. Now we're shooting for 34! I have honestly been pretty scared that she was going to come really early. The thought of her being in the NICU for weeks or months made my stomach turn. I've read so many heart-wrenching stories of parents who have had to endure that. Thankfully, somehow, Harper has managed to stay put. According to pregnology.com:

"By week 32, your baby weighs nearly 4 pounds! The crown-to-rump length of your baby is approximately 11.7 inches and the total length is about 18.9 inches...This week your baby's movements will peak. You should continue to monitor the fetal movements daily and address any concerns with your caregiver. The wrinkles in your baby's face are disappearing and fat is still being deposited throughout the baby's body...As a preparation for breastfeeding, your baby has learned to root for the breast. The baby will turn its head if touched on the cheek and open its mouth if the bottom lip is tickled. By this time the baby can also suck and swallow in a coordinated way."

She's getting fatter and learning how to swallow, which is very important in case she comes early! I LOVE.LOVE.LOVE. this little baby SO MUCH already. I absolutely CANNOT wait to finally hold her. But these last few weeks are very critical, even if she can survive on the outside. Two more weeks til our next goal. Maybe she'll surprise us all and I'll go full-term!

Mommy and Daddy love you so very much baby girl!

My 31 week belly shot. Unfortunately, yes, those are stretch marks. It's okay if they gross you out. I don't like them either.